Last Straw, First Straw

Let me begin by saying I am an imperfect person. I know this to be true.

But this isn't about being reasonable, or fair. This is about screaming into my pillow so that no one else will hear. It's about biting my tongue until it bleeds. It's about enduring long beyond the point where it is reasonable to just ... stop enduring.

If you read this blog and come back, you will come to hate me. More often than not, I hate myself. I'm not here to make myself look good. I'm not here to provide a balanced perspective. This is about who I am and how I feel. I'm not looking to rock any boats, either, but if boats are rocked, So Be It. The God damned boats can take care of themselves. I'm sick of not having a voice. I'm tired of watching every word I say. I'm angry that I have to censor my emotions to prevent other people from having their delicate egos bruised. Boo-Fucking-Hoo for you.

There so much that went before. Maybe I'll talk about some of it. Like failing out of college. Twice. Or my stint in the military. Being transgendered. Or my two pulmonary embolisms. Or my shitty, emotionally abusive marriage. I may even tell you about the time I hit my wife with the car.

See. I told you that you will come to hate me.

But maybe, just maybe, if you listen to my whole story, you'll come to know me. Not the me I let the world see. Not the many different masks I wear to fit into the social roles I'm expected to play. No. Fuck that noise. Fuck not saying "Fuck" when it is the absolute best word to use. I want you to see my warts. My wounds. My tiny, shriveled up heart and the desert dry river of blood that runs through it. Heck, maybe this blog will result in me getting my very own F.B.I. profile. Not that I want that. I just want to have a place where I can say what I really want and what I really mean without worrying about who I offend.

It's just that in my experience, honesty never goes unpunished.